Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Some NBA Predictions

The Atlanta Hawks will continue to be the best team that no one cares about.

The Boston Celtics will re-sign all of their guys when their contracts expire, becoming the first team in NBA team in history to have an average age in the mid-forties.

The Charlotte Bobcats will continue to get blown out of almost every gym they step foot in. Michael Jordan re-re-re-unretires and shows just how bad the 'Cats are by leading the team in scoring at age 50.

The Chicago Bulls will hold the Charlotte Bobcats to 28 points the next time they play. That's how good they are. That's also how bad Charlotte is.

The Cleveland Cavaliers will be in the worst position possible for years to come. Not good enough to do anything in the playoffs, not bad enough to get good draft picks. Kyrie Irving will win Rookie of the Year, but he's pulling a Lebron in a few years.

The Dallas Mavericks will not repeat as champions due to missing the guys they lost too much (Tyson Chandler, JJ Barea, Caron Butler), and Khloe Kardashian forcing Lamar to get the hell out of Dallas. He will be bought out, traded or straight up retire.

The Denver Nuggets will continue to wallow in basketball purgatory. A fringe playoff team at best, they are no where near good enough to seriously challenge for a title, while simultaneously not being bad enough to get a worthwhile draft pick. (See: Cavaliers, Cleveland)

Remember a few years back, when the Detroit Pistons were perennial Eastern Conference favorites?  Yeah, neither do I.

In an attempt to capitalize on Linsanity, the Golden State Warriors will convince Asian business tycoon Richard Li to become their new owner.  It will not help.

The Houston Rockets and its fan base will continue to cry themselves to sleep at night at the sight of their once potential lottery pick riding off into the sunset, on the back of Jeremy Lin.

The Indiana Pacers will struggle after Danny "Stranger Danger" Granger breaks both of his legs trying to impress team owner Larry Bird.  The team turns full circle and wins the NBA title after Larry Legend somehow convinces Jimmy Chitwood to join the team.  "Jimsanity" will sweep the nation.

The Los Angeles Clippers will continue to be "Lob City", until they get bounced out of the first round of the playoffs.

The Los Angeles Lakers starting point guard, Derek Fisher, will have his 500+ consecutive starts streak snapped when LA finally gets a point guard at the trade deadline who isn't old enough to be the father of his teammates.

How can a team that was within one game of the Western Conference finals get so little respect?  The Memphis Grizzlies should start to pick it up down the stretch, as their old school style of basketball should help them win some games.  Also, having the missing link (Marc Gasol) on your team can't hurt.

I will continue to hate the Miami Heat.

I can easily say that I have never met a Milwaukee Bucks fan that lives outside of that city.  I guess when your team selects Andrew Bogut over Chris Paul and Deron Williams, you've got bigger issues.  'Nuff said.

The Minnesota Timberwolves will make the playoffs. I know that's kind of a boring prediction, but it's the freaking Timberwolves. They were really bad.

The New Jersey Nets will not get Dwight Howard and will lose Deron Williams. They're going to move to Brooklyn though, so.. that's cool.

The New Orleans Hornets will lose Eric Gordon, the best player they got from the Chris Paul trade. David Stern will drink himself into a coma because he realizes the Hornets are a terrible team, mostly thanks to the Golden Power of Veto he used to stop the 'Chris Paul to the Lakers' trade. Great job by the way.

The Linsanity in New York will die down once the Knicks are destroyed in the first round. They'll win their first playoff game in 10 years though.

The Oklahoma City Thunder will finish with the best record in the league, Kevin Durant will win MVP and James Harden will win Sixth Man of the Year. Championship? Nah.

The Orlando Magic will keep Dwight Howard and guilt him in to staying in Florida for a few more years.

The Philadelphia 76ers will continue to benefit from the hectic, cramped schedule.  Their young legs will propel them into the playoffs, where they will get destroyed by a real basketball team.

The Phoenix Suns won't trade Steve Nash unless he asks for it, which he won't. He'll stay locked up in the desert until a championship contender decides to save him.

The Portland Trail Blazers will continue to slowly have their souls sucked out of their collective bodies.  Having Kevin Durant and the OKC Thunder rip them a new asshole four times a year will continue to open that festering Greg Oden wound for years to come.

The Sacramento Kings will stop playing Jimmer Fredette almost completely, making me cry because I still have Jimmer-mania. Is there a rule that would stop him from retiring and then going back to college and playing? If there isn't, that's my prediction/hope.

The San Antonio Spurs will continue to be the oldest, most boring team to watch in the history of basketball.

The Raptors won't make a move at the trade deadline, deciding that their 10,000th European draft pick (Jonas Valanciunas) is their saviour. He won't be.

The Utah Jazz will remain the most forgettable team in sports.

The Washington Wizards will try to trade almost their entire roster to get away from their current image, which is that they are a bunch of idiots. It won't work.

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